May 8, 2005

Are You An Undesirable Immigrant?

I spotted this over there, and jumped on some carriages...

Take Our Quiz!

.. compiled by Lyndon Hood

Amid growing concerns about the laxity of New Zealand's immigration controls, many readers may be concerned that they are not the kind of person Winston Peters wants in our country.

So we've compiled this helpful quiz to see if you've slipped under the radar.

Fill one out for your friends, family and neighbours too!

Choose the option that best describes the kind of alien you are.
a) The foreign kind.
b) The -ated kind.
c) The friendly, close-encounters kind.
d) The acid-blooded disemboweling kind.
e) The American Presidential kind

What is your place of birth?
a) The sort of country that scam emails come from.
b) Planet bigot.
c) Algeria.
d) Don't look at me like that, I was born here.
e) Just look at my fake passport

I was allowed into the country because:
a) I wasn't carrying any fruit or vegetables.
b) I've never denied the Holocaust.
c) The officials were embarrassed about not being able to pronounce my name.
d) I'm white.
e) I'm Winston's biographer

I can't go home because:
a) It's a military dictatorship now.
b) It's a democracy now.
c) It's a smoking hole in the ground.
d) My house has been seized under the Proceeds of Crime Act.
e) I can't get a license there, but I can here.

Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Ba'ath party?
a) Not as such.
b) Yes, but I only joined for the sadistic violence.
c) Yes, but only because otherwise I couldn't get a job.
d) Yes, but only because it sounded kinky.
e) I'm an actor and need rehearsal for the upcoming religious filming boom.

If told to find an Iraqi, I would...
a) Look in that dusty old box of files
b) Look down the back of the couch.
c) Turn in my family.
d) Wonder whether someone had a broader agenda.
e) Go to Iraq.

When I filled in my visa application I...
a) Was uncompromisingly honest.
b) Left out my suicide-bombing career.
c) Lied about the grades I got at the School of the Americas.
d) Asked for a bigger credit limit.
e) Was drunk and had hot-dog breath.

Are you swarthy?
a) No.
b) Yes.
c) Yes, but I'm Winston Peters.
d) Arr.
e) Swarthy, no. Cagey, yes.

Do you hold moral values that are an anathema to right-thinking New Zealanders?
a) No.
b) No. Not like those mainstream freaks.
c) Yes.
d) Yes, but I'm a MP for New Zealand First or United Future.
e) Values?

Do you speak an incomprehensible heathen lingo?
a) No. I think that kind of thing is terrible rude.
b) Actually, I studied at Oxford.
c) Yes, but I am under 20.
d) Yes, but I am an economist.
e) Yes, I am an economist, whom is under 20.

I am like an Iraqi because...
a) I am genetically evil.
b) My electricity supply still isn't fixed.
c) My country turned into a hellhole in the early 90s.
d) I am suffering from the effects of depleted uranium.
e) Iraq too have a troubled national broadcaster.

Which of the following best describes your position in your homeland?
a) Stalwart of the regime.
b) Employee of the regime.
c) Tacit supporter of the regime.
d) Lying on the ground begging for mercy.
e) Lying on the ground in general.

When someone says 'Arab' I think of...
a) Osama bin Laden.
b) The Crusades.
c) The invention of algebra.
d) Takeaways.
e) Abracadabra abbreviated.

New Zealand is a soft touch for terrorists because...
a) Terrorists just love the idea of spending two years in solitary confinement.
b) We are in the grip of political correctness gone mad.
c) We believe in due process and the rule of law.
d) That whole dangerous bad-boy thing just makes us go weak at the knees.
e) There is water and electricity.

My favourite un-New Zealandish activity is:
a) Opposing involvement in the invasion of Iraq.
b) Supporting involvement in the occupation of Iraq.
c) Modern art.
d) Maoriness.
e) Skipping.

Petrol should be...
a) More expensive.
b) Cheaper.
c) Banned.
d) Mine.
e) available in a lemon scent.

If I want to offer my political opponents a present I would...
a) Get them chocolates.
b) Let them live.
c) Defame the Police Commissioner.
d) Give them a one-way ticket to Uzbekistan.
e) All of the above.

As far as any human rights abuses go...
a) I was just following orders.
b) I was out of my office at the time.
c) I was a US ally at the time.
d) I'll forgive you if you let me out of solitary confinement.
e) My donations to CCF were actually going to WWF wrestlers.

I am most likely to leave New Zealand because...
a) They won't let me live down that thing with the Kurds.
b) I looked at the immigration officer funny.
c) I looked funny to the immigration officer.
d) Winston Peters says so.
e) I thought it was a part of Australia.

If forced to leave New Zealand I will...
a) Be in peril of my life.
b) Take my sandy towels with me.
c) Begin "the mother of all legal battles".
d) Have to abandon my cats.
e) Move to the South Island.

SCORING: For an assessment of your answers, send the completed quiz to Winston Peters, c/o the Ministry of Expulsion, Parliament, Wellington. You'll find out about the results soon enough.

If you believe that you may be an immigrant, the authorities will look more kindly on you if you take action immediately. If it is not possible to go out in a rowboat and throw yourself over the twelve mile limit, you might consider starting up your own labour camp.

And remember, be vigilant! Immigrants could be found anywhere at any time, even in the places where you feel most secure.

We hope that settles any worries or uncertainty you may have.

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